I somehow keep thinking that I’ll be able to write more often, and then when I look again, months have gone by and I’ve done absolutely nothing. What a pain!
Because I have not been writing often, I find it very difficult to find something to write about, but something that’s been on my mind lately is ‘loss‘, and how I cope/don’t cope with it.
There are, of course, different kinds of loss. Sometimes loss can be really insignificant, like losing something you’ve been working on on your computer, or a key, or your lipstick,etc. Other times the loss can be devastating, like divorce, or a child moving to another country, or losing a limb in an accident. Sometimes it’s just a bother, other times it changes your life irrevocably.
How one deals with this loss, is of course what matters.
I’ve had to say goodbye to my only daughter 2 years ago, like some of you might remember from my earlier blogs (https://zelmare.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/vitamins-please/), because she moved to Canada. It was a very difficult time for me, to adapt to her not being ’round the corner’ anymore. But I did it. I’m not saying that I don’t miss her anymore, because I do, and some days intolerably so, but I am now at the point where I can live with it. We all make choices in life – they chose to go, and I chose to accept it. If I didn’t, I would be SO much more unhappy. But it did change my life.
You might also remember that I started a new life about 3 years ago. I moved to a new town, and I started cattle farming. I discovered that I love cattle, in fact I’m very passionate about the whole cattle-farming business, and the well-being of each and every bovine on my little piece of land.
And this is where my latest struggle with loss has started.
Of course, when one works with animals, and lots of them, you have to accept that sooner or later one or more of them will die for some reason. I have found that difficult from the start, but I’ve coped with loading some onto a trailer to be taken off to the slaughter house – just. I’ve coped with the odd one here and there dying of some disease or other – barely.
But now, I’ve lost too many of these soft-eyed creatures in too short a time. I’ve had to see a cow go down in the chute, and we had to put her down after 5 days of caring for her, and trying to get her strong enough to get up and look after her calf again. Then I’ve lost the most beautiful little calf to a disease despite every effort to try and pull her through.Then one of my cows aborted for no reason. Then, one of our most beautiful young bulls was bitten by a snake.
To be honest – I’m not coping too well with these losses.
And, to top it all off, our bull, Adam, which I also introduced to you here on my blog a couple of years ago (https://zelmare.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/adam/), might also have to be put down on Monday. We found him lying in the camp last week Friday, and he has not been able to get up since. We have no idea why he went down, or why he is not getting up. We’ve treated him every which way, fed him, coaxed, prodded, pleaded. All to no avail… And he can’t lie there indefinitely. So, the deadline is Monday. :(
And I find that I can’t work through all of this at the moment. I know I have to, but right now, I don’t know how. Maybe it is because I feel that they are in my care, I’m the one that is supposed to make sure they thrive, and I’m not doing such a good job of it… And I know, a month or two from now, I’ll wonder why I was such a woos today, because I’ll have worked through it all, and I will be going forward, coping with it all.
But not today.