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LOSS

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Hi there!

I somehow keep thinking that I’ll be able to write more often, and then when I look again, months have gone by and I’ve done absolutely nothing. What a pain!

Because I have not been writing often, I find it very difficult to find something to write about, but something that’s been on my mind lately is ‘loss‘, and how I cope/don’t cope with it.

There are, of course, different kinds of loss. Sometimes loss can be really insignificant, like losing something you’ve been working on on your computer, or a key, or your lipstick,etc. Other times the loss can be devastating, like divorce, or a child moving to another country, or losing a limb in an accident. Sometimes it’s just a bother, other times it changes your life irrevocably.

How one deals with this loss, is of course what matters.

I’ve had to say goodbye to my only daughter 2 years ago, like some of you might remember from my earlier blogs (https://zelmare.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/vitamins-please/), because she moved to Canada. It was a very difficult time for me, to adapt to her not being ’round the corner’ anymore. But I did it. I’m not saying that I don’t miss her anymore, because I do, and some days intolerably so, but I am now at the point where I can live with it. We all make choices in life – they chose to go, and I chose to accept it. If I didn’t, I would be SO much more unhappy. But it did change my life.

You might also remember that I started a new life about 3 years ago. I moved to a new town, and I started cattle farming. I discovered that I love cattle, in fact I’m very passionate about the whole cattle-farming business, and the well-being of each and every bovine on my little piece of land.

And this is where my latest struggle with loss has started.

Of course, when one works with animals, and lots of them, you have to accept that sooner or later one or more of them will die for some reason. I have found that difficult from the start, but I’ve coped with loading some onto a trailer to be taken off to the slaughter house – just. I’ve coped with the odd one here and there dying of some disease or other – barely.

But now, I’ve lost too many of these soft-eyed creatures in too short a time. I’ve had to see a cow go down in the chute, and we had to put her down after 5 days of caring for her, and trying to get her strong enough to get up and look after her calf again. Then I’ve lost the most beautiful little calf to a disease despite every effort to try and pull her through.Then one of my cows aborted for no reason. Then, one of our most beautiful young bulls was bitten by a snake.

To be honest – I’m not coping too well with these losses.

And, to top it all off, our bull, Adam, which I also introduced to you here on my blog a couple of years ago (https://zelmare.wordpress.com/2012/07/02/adam/), might also have to be put down on Monday. We found him lying in the camp last week Friday, and he has not been able to get up since. We have no idea why he went down, or why he is not getting up. We’ve treated him every which way, fed him, coaxed, prodded, pleaded. All to no avail… And he can’t lie there indefinitely. So, the deadline is Monday. :(

And I find that I can’t work through all of this at the moment. I know I have to, but right now, I don’t know how. Maybe it is because I feel that they are in my care, I’m the one that is supposed to make sure they thrive, and I’m not doing such a good job of it… And I know, a month or two from now, I’ll wonder why I was such a woos today, because I’ll have worked through it all, and I will be going forward, coping with it all.

But not today.

To plan, or not to plan…

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Somehow, very little in my life goes according to plan.

Being religious, I do believe things happen or don’t happen for a reason. And that, however much you plan, things might not go your way if your plans don’t fit in with the ‘Big Plan.’ So basically, planning doesn’t help much, except you cannot go through life without some plans – how to make a living, where to live, who to spend your life with, etc.

At the moment, I am home alone. I LOVE time alone, like most of you probably do, but sometimes the opportunity to do my own thing and be on my own, fills me with less excitement than at other times. I THINK it has to do with choice.

I love being alone when I need time to recharge, rethink, and revamp, but then I want to be able to choose that time. I am alone at the moment through absolutely no choice of my own.I HATE THAT. And when I feel like this, I find it very hard to make the most of my time alone. I feel sorry for myself instead… How pathetic is that.

Tonight is the finals of the 2014 World Cup Soccer, as you well know, and I have to watch it alone. Fun!!! :( Not only am I alone, but my SO is in Cape Town, and although he actually hates soccer, and has only followed the soccer through me, he is watching tonight with a house full of family and friends.

And the last bit that makes it worse tonight than it normally is – my youngest son was with me for 3 days, and I loved every single moment of it, but he had to leave today. I’m feeling so sorry for myself, you will not believe it!

If I could PLAN tonight, it would have been very different, believe me! And even then it probably would have a few twists and turns… :)

But hey, maybe a few glasses of wine, and I’ll feel a whole lot better! And I promise I won’t write a thing again until it’s something positive and upbeat!

Slow Sundays

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Image

Sunday eve.

A quiet, peaceful Sunday, after a busy week. I needed that.

Growing up, I used to hate Sunday nights. Lately, it is the best time of the week for me. I need the quiet to just be. To surf a bit on the web, watch TV, and now, once again, to blog! :)

And also, Sunday afternoons is skype time! I get to chat to my daughter thousands of miles away in Canada – I also need that. We catch up on each other’s lives, we gossip, we moan a bit, if needs be, and we share ideas and recipes. Special.

Another very special feature of my Sundays, is the time I get to spend with my SO*. We do see each other a lot during the week (mostly), but we are busy, and we talk about everything that needs to be done, and we get on with it. But on a Sunday, we do everything in slow motion. We get up slowly, have a slow, late breakfast, drive out to the farm to see that everything is in order there, and when we get back home, we relax, and talk, and re-connect with each other. I need that.

After a Sunday like this, I can face the week ahead.

*Significant Other

Too little time…

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A quick ‘hallo’ a while ago, a promise to write something again, and then…nothing!

Time.

Our big friend, and our big enemy. We often have too little time to fit everything into a day that we would like to do.

Now, this evening, I find myself with a little bit of the precious commodity. And as I start writing, I know Murphy is probably lurking in the shadows, and the rest of the household will probably come home just as I am on a roll here! :)

I’m not going to take the time tonight to add photographs, I’ll just write as the words form in my mind.

I stopped blogging about 18 months ago, and of course, lots have happened in the meantime, and I’m also not going to try and fill you in on everything, but just whatever comes to mind.

We had our overseas trip – wonderful. Lots of snow, white Christmas, lots of places that I’ve never been to before. I know that I’ve got an insatiable hunger to travel, and I could probably travel regularly and happily for the rest of my life!

We had my daughter’s wedding, I had to say goodbye, which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but I survived that… Then the new year started, and I had to say goodbye again. This time to my oldest son. He had finished his studies the year before, and he wanted to move down to Cape Town, and start his working life there.

I’ve just been down to visit him for his birthday, and I can fortunately say that he is loving his life down there. He found a good job (eventually!), he is now close to his girlfriend (after 2 years of having a long distance relationship), he’s got new friends, and just generally doing very well. I am a happy mom, although I miss him something terrible – constantly.

And us?

Well, we now have something in the region of 170 head of cattle, and we are kept very, very busy. My SO* still has his earth moving and plant hire business as well, so between that, the farm, and the house, we are kept running. :) Which is a good thing, I suppose…

That is partly why I have not been blogging, and partly because I’ve sort of just lost the passion for it, and partly just because I probably spent too much time writing, it was maybe becoming an obsession.

So let’s see if I can keep a balance this time. Write and post some pics once in a while, and not sit with the laptop on my lap all the time.

It was good chatting with you all again, although it was a bit of a ramble! :)

 

*Significant other

 

 

 

Hello!

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I haven’t written a blog in ages (life got in the way a bit!), and I’ve been considering making time for it again. So…I might see you around again sometime soon! :)

Flower Power

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“I hope some day to meet God, because I want to thank Him for the flowers.” ~Robert Brault

I am still on the subject of high and low, happy and sad.

What does that have to do with flowers? – I hear you ask.

Well, quite a lot, from where I’m standing. Look at the past 2 – 3 weeks, for instance. Nearly 3 weeks ago, we received quite a few bouquets of flowers from friends and family, and even from business associates in sympathy for the death of Bernd’s son. Some were sent from florists, some were simply given as a bunch of flowers. They were all given with some kind of emotion attached to them – love, empathy, sympathy, sadness…

Which is what happened last weekend, but sort of very differently. There were flowers at the wedding. A flower in Xan’s hair, a wedding bouquet put together quickly with daisies, her favourite flower, some flowers at the picnic – all there to convey some kind of message or emotion – this time though, different kinds of emotions like happiness, celebration, love…

Oh wait! You see what happened there? LOVE. Love and flowers where people are sad, love and flowers where people are gathered together in happiness.

I love flowers. All flowers. I know most people do, even if the pretend they couldn’t care less. Flowers have the power to lift you up when you’re down and to brighten a dull day or a dreary room.

I have a few pictures of flowers for you, to maybe brighten up your day, it it needs a bit of brightening! :) Some are from the sad event in our lives, some are from the happy event, but does it really matter which is which? They all make us feel better, and loved…

A lily, up close!

A lily, up close!

Pink carnation.

Pink carnation.

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Tiny little daisy.

Gerbera in blue bottle.

Gerbera in blue bottle.

Gerbera, up close.

Gerbera, up close.

 

Flowers whisper “Beauty!” to the world, even as they fade, wilt, fall.  ~Dr. SunWolf,

 

:)  I feel better, even just looking at pictures of pretty flowers! :)

Have a great weekend, friends!!! I don’t know what you are going to do, but I’ll be packing for our trip to Europe… !!!! :D

 

 

 

Vitamins, please!

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This year is/was CRAZY.

First off, a huge move at the very end of last year, from a place I’ve lived for the last 25 years, to a place where I know hardly any people. Coping with kids in the house again (a constant headache for me…), and especially a very difficult child, who had no worries to make life as complicated and as unpleasant as he possibly could for everyone around him…

Then, becoming a ‘farmer’, learning to handle cattle and falling head over heels in love with them. :)

The next issue was the hardest bit, as weird as it may sound…hearing from my daughter that they are planning to move to Canada, and it becoming a reality…  And then immediately after that the fact that they are also planning to get married before they move. (Less difficult to get my head around then the Canada news…)

In the last couple of weeks we’ve had a death in the family and a memorial service for the boy that most people will remember as amazingly difficult, and then this weekend, a wedding. The lowest, and the highest one can go emotionally.

I’ve got some pics from this past (HAPPY!!!) weekend for you. Actually only an appetizer, but something to set the mood and the scene of the wedding. I didn’t take photographs of the actual wedding, as I wanted to experience every moment first hand. And there were photographers to take pictures from all sides and angles, so for the ‘real’ wedding photo’s, you’ll have to wait a bit longer. As do I…

The couple had their own, very clear ideas of what they wanted for this special day. In short, a relaxed, casual day, out in the open, with all the close friends and family having fun.

Xandré busy with preparations the day before the wedding, and she still has enough energy left to be her normal, fun self. :)

Xandré busy with preparations the day before the wedding, and she still has enough energy left to be her normal, fun self. :)

The couple at the end of the day - very tired and ready to go rest up for the big day.

The couple at the end of the day – very tired and ready to go rest up for the big day.

Wedding day...Xan being pampered.

Wedding day…Xan being pampered.

The pretty, sexy heels for the wedding ceremony.

The pretty, sexy heels for the wedding ceremony.

The cute and colourful flats for the reception.

The cute and colourful flats for the reception.

And that’s all you’re getting from me at the moment. (To be honest, that’s all I’ve got at the moment… ;)  )

 

Now I can admit to being tired myself, and now I can allow myself to get excited about our trip to Europe coming up. I’m so very, very grateful for my SO* that he made the decision earlier that we should go away for Christmas, because we both need a break and a change of scenery… I need to get my mind ready for the big ‘goodbye’ at the end of the year…

 

*Significant Other

 

 

 

 

 

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