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Eyes wide shut (with apologies to Tom & Nicole)

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(I’m shaking my head here, and I’ve got a wry smile on my face – just to fill you in on the details!)

My goodness, it has a way of turning around and biting you in the backside! 🙂

I’ve had a very quiet Easter weekend, with my son visiting us for a change. It was good, just the way I prefer to spend my Easter weekends. Up until yesterday evening…

Late in the evening, my significant other (from here on in called my SO) received a phone call, and – chaos!!! His son had (caused) been in an accident and all 4 people involved were hurt. Fortunately, nobody was hurt seriously –  it was a broken rib here, a bruised sternum there, a possible concussion and other bumps and bruises. But, the fact of the matter is that the boy caused considerable damage to 2 vehicles (write-offs), chaos in people’s lives, and we won’t even talk about the medical and other expenses incurred.  With very little or no remorse from his side…

We all make hundreds of choices every day. This cereal or that one, coffee or tea, blue shirt or white, buy a car or wait, fire an employee or give him another chance…on and on and on. And we all know that the saying goes “if you make your bed you must lie in it.”

Some decisions are way more important than others, and take a huge amount of consideration before you reach that final decision.  None more so than the choice of a life partner, and especially if you’ve been through a marriage/relationship that didn’t work out. You then tend to look at every little detail and weigh it up and look again and measure it against this and that and you make lists in your head of pro’s and cons and you try and see into the future – maybe you can see what is going to happen in a month’s time, or a year, just to try and get some kind of reassurance that things will work out.

Of course, by now we all know that that is a fairy tale – no assurances or guarantees are given for relationships of any kind. If you love someone enough, and you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her, you have to make a leap of faith. After all the thinking and weighing of every tiny detail, you think you know what you’re getting yourself into and that you’ve got a good idea of what your new life is going to be like, and you close your eyes – and you LEAP!!!!!

There you are, in your new life, happily drifting in space, hoping that you are going to land in a very soft place, or that should you need it, your parachute is safely strapped to your back and ready to use (oh geez, did I remember to grab my parachute before I jumped?) so you can make a safe landing, even if it is a bumpy one.

And then a sudden gust of wind blows you off course. It shakes you around like a rag doll. Oh-oh… Or there are sudden lightning in the air. What happened, I never saw the storm brewing?

OK, enough of the metaphors! Sh@# happens. And you have to deal with it. Even if you feel that you ‘didn’t sign up for this.’ Surprise, surprise…you did!!!!!

When you decided to make that leap, when you decided to make the commitment, you ‘signed up for it.’ As much as you want to make it go away, or as much as you want to ignore the problem, you have to deal with it as best you can.

For better or for worse.


It must be laughing it’s head off at us silly people…  😀

Hey, who erased the rainbow?


About zelmare

In a nutshell: I'm a woman of 'a certain age', I recently moved after living in the same area for 27 years, i raised 3 absolutely fabulous kids (I'm sure you will hear a lot about them, since I am a very proud mama), got divorced, and in due course, met and fell in love with the most amazing man, and i moved to a small town called Nylstroom. A lot of my blogs will most probably be about my new life, my family and friends, and my interests, which are taking pictures, travelling, food, re-decorating, music and books. I am looking forward to meeting a lot of lovely new friends and interesting people! :)

15 responses »

  1. I’ve made that leap one too many times, and have since decided that there are far worse things in this life than being single.

    • I know, and I agree. If the relationship is really fraught with difficulties in itself, and it doesn’t stop no matter what you try, it’s much better to be on one’s own.

  2. Oh man…a lot is going on here. Hold on tight and I hope it all works out. Families, yours or the one you introduced into your life, can make things much harder. I’m hoping for the best for you. And I hope everyone heals quickly.

    • Thank you. I probably made it sound a bit worse than it is, but at the time of writing I was feeling a bit down. I must admit that I think coping with someone else’s kids are probably one of the most difficult things to do – and yet so may people do it… People are crazy! 🙂

  3. Zelmare – This sort of incident is difficult to deal with when it is your own kids involved, but must be doubly difficult when it is your stepchildren or partner’s children who are involved.

    Most of our friends here in the UK, and we all have driving offspring around the same age, have dealt with our children going through minor car accidents that could easily, with a split second difference, have been much more serious, or fatal! Partly these things happen with inexperience; but young people, and I have to say I remember this myself with my motorcycle when I was young, think they are invincible and so sometimes drive in a reckless way thinking that nothing will happen to them or anyone else as a result of their actions. Some are just lucky and never have an accident; some have minor scrapes and learn from them; and others cause serious injuries or fatalities that they have to live with for the rest of their lives.

    The lack of remorse thing can come from being stunned, shocked, embarrassed, shamed or an inability to deal with a potentially fatal situation and having caused it themselves! Both of my sons have had driving accidents and my youngest smashed up his car going too fast onto a bridge and running into the parapet, causing minor neck and back injury to one of the passengers! We were so worried, angry and depressed at the time, but as with everything, time heals, they do grow up, and become more like us sensible folk!!!! Sometimes, I have to think back to my young days to understand my kids actions and to remember how I reacted to situations before I deal with their own actions and reactions!

    I often thank my lucky stars that my first ‘mistaken’ marriage ended while I was young and that there were no children on either side at the beginning of my second ‘true and proper’ marriage. I understand how you must feel and you will get over it!

    Sorry if this sound like preaching! I’m only trying to sympathise and give you some support!

    Keep your chin up!


    • Hi John!

      I don’t see it as preaching, but as a friend taking the time and effort to offer some advice and sympathy. Thank you for that.

      There are a lot of stuff I didn’t put in the blog, but suffice it to say that I do believe that the last option you mentioned is probably the closest to being the truth – an inability to deal with the situation, a real inability to actually realize the severity of his actions. He expects no reaction to this whole episode, except to be molly coddled because he has whiplash and bruises.I find that frightening.

      I have 3 kids that I personally taught to drive, and one of them (I won’t say which one… 😉 ) was in a very serious accident – but as I was in the car at the time, I can say that it was through no fault of hers. And fortunately no one was hurt, except for bruises and shock.

      But, no 2 people are the same, and hopefully they all grow out of this arrogance and devil-may-care attitude !

      Thanks again for taking the time and effort to read through my moans and groans, and to respond.

      Bye for now!

  4. Personally I blame “LIFE” for all the bumps. It just jumps up and butts you when everything is the way we wanted it. I was fortunate to meet my guy when I was young. We were matched then and many, many years later I still can’t imagine life without him. Or rather if he were gone I can’t imagine life with anyone else. I would certainly try out single hood. Just one load of laundry that I didn’t have to turn someone else’s socks right side out. 😉

    So best of luck. It is the trials that either make or break a relationship. It is in those moments we have to focus on the parts that made us love each other. We have to ignore the reasons we don’t love them because those same qualities were always there. The only difference is in the beginning we chose to ignore those qualities and focus on all their amazing qualities.

    Good luck to all. If he weren’t your step child how would you feel about what has happened?


    • Hi Shez!
      Everything you say is just so true! The problem is not that one forgets the qualities you fell in love with in the first place, it’s just that through all these trials it becomes difficult to hold on to the ‘special’ part of it. What is happening is not changing my feelings towards my SO, I’ve just wondered (briefly!) whether it is all worth it. But, I’ve decided it is. He cannot help what is happening, and I want to be there for him.
      You are so very lucky to have had your man from such a young age, and even more lucky and blessed that everything is still going so well for you.
      If it were my child I could be taking decisions as to what should be done and how( – now my hands are tied and I am pretty much only there to support.) And being who I am, I would make sure that he had to suffer the consequences of his actions, because that is the only way they learn.
      Thanks for taking the time to read my story and to answer.

      • Zelmare, sorry if I came across as butting in. I only wanted to help put it in perspective a little.

        And yes it is these times that separate the herd from the special ones. Trust me there have been times things were not pleasant and our vow to never go to bed angry made us stay up until morning light.

        Both hubs and I do hold our children and grandchildren accountable. How else will they learn to become adults if we don’t teach them. It also meant watching them make mistakes. And then still loving them while hating what they did.

        It must be very trying to see what should be done and not being listened to or allowed input when what needs to happen is logical and necessary.

        Hopefully lessons will be learned from this difficult time. Wishing you the best. Shez

  5. Whooooooooooooah mami!!!! Ek het nou eers tyd gekry om te lees!!!! Say freaken whaaaaaaaat?? is als ok? sterkte mami… ek kan net imagine hoe moeilik hierdie situasie vir jou moet wees!!!! 😦 Dink aan jou – bel jou oor ‘n rukkie!!! Mwah!! ❤ **

  6. I love your image about the rainbow being erased. Relationships tended to feel that way to me as I invested more and more time and more and more revelations/issues bubbled to the surface. It has to be really hard to deal with the SO’s kids. The problem is this kind of behavior happened to have an ok ending….this time. But it could just as easily ended unhappily for everyone involved in the accident.

    It sounds like something worth talking to your SO about when things are a little calmer. 🙂 you have every right to your thoughts on things. And if you don’t say them you might wish you had later.

    • Kourtney, I just realized that I somehow missed replying to you! I’m sorry, I’m not sure how that happened.

      Thank you, I thought the half rainbow somehow fitted…

      Yes, we do need to seriously talk, but he’s touchy about this child, so I’m cautious. We have talked a bit, but not nearly enough…These issues are not going to be easily resolved anyway, so we’ll have time to talk.

      Thanks for taking the time to comment. 🙂

  7. What a terrible ending to Easter. Sounds like you are going through a lot. Must be hard when you have to go through something like this when it isn’t your child. I can only imagine how much harder that must be.
    I know this is quite late after the fact, but hope it has all worked out for the best.


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